Despair (yiush) is not a Jewish trait. Hope. Batya knew Moshe was a Jewish baby because his cry was one of hope not despair. I, as a Jewish neshama, accepted the Torah, I accepted being part of a people of hope, not of despair.
Chana Jenny Weisberg (I think, it may have been Biale Rebbe, need to check) taught that women have this awesome power of renewal, linked to Rosh Chodesh, Chodesh to chiddush. This power of chiddush is available at any moment from when you decide to change, you can.
Therefore even though I may feel like there is no point, I have to accept within myself that a connection to Torah means not giving in to despair and the feeling of helplessness. There is always hope. Even if I don’t feel it.
I need to take the intellectual and turn it into emotional.
I don’t know if anyone is reading this or not. I don’t think they are, by the WordPress stats thing, but maybe I don’t understand it. This post is kind of in note form to myself so I don’t know if it makes sense to another person reading it. If you are reading, feel free to leave me a comment.