This is the first time I’ve used the computer to blog instead of my phone.  So this blog will no doubt be a bit longer as I have a proper keyboard instead of just my little smartphone!

I’ve been having several thoughts I wanted to write down and make more concrete.

The little girl inside me who wants to eat treats secretely

The amount of weight I need to lose is the size of a small child.  Actually probably a fairly large child.  I had this idea of trying to visualise that it is this child who wants to eat the rubbish noshy food and not the grown up me.  I, age nearly 33, do not really want to eat things that at bad for me, that make my body sluggish and slow and unattractive.  I want to eat healthy, delicious, wholesome food which makes my heart sing and my body rejoice in the good things I’m feeding it.  Food that gives me energy, both physical and mental.  Food that says, “I am taking care of myself”, and that “I am a grown up”.

But there is this part of me that says, “Hey, you’ve done well, you deserve a treat”, or “They look so yummy, eat them now, there are no consequences”.  And when I’m tired, or stressed, or have low resistance, that is the part of me that undoes all the good work that I’ve done.

This was really brought home when a certain little girl who shall remain nameless had a very guilty look on her face and I found that she had a biscuit hidden up her pyjama top.

Why do I feel that I have to sneakily eat nosh?  I am a grown woman with my own home and my own kitchen and my own free access to food.  If I want to eat something, then I don’t need to hide it.  But that is what I do.  I wouldn’t eat this stuff in company, it is something to do when others aren’t there.  This is a habit I really need to break, because it is those episodes of eating which are derailing me.  Also, I do not want my children to pick up on my very unhealthy attitude to food and have to deal with the long lasting consequences.  If I can nip it in the bud now, maybe they are young enough that they’d never remember me as I currently am.

I have made tremendous progress with becoming more active

This doesn’t show on the scales (which are not to be mentioned right now).  I was the girl who prided herself on being disqualified from school sports day (My best friend and I refused to sprint a certain race and calmly strolled along the track).  I used to get an E on my report card for PE for attainment, although an A for effort.  I figured that I tried hard but I was just rubbish at it.  After my eldest was born I remember walking around the park pushing the buggy and feeling just out of breath from a very short walk.  For the last few months I have been going to a weekly aerobics/Zumba class which I LOVE!!!! and also Pilates which I also love but in a different way.  After my aerobics I feel energised and healthy and full of life.  The Pilates is making me stronger and it is really calming.  I haven’t had any back pain in a while.  It is a real adjustment of my own view of myself to see myself as someone who enjoys being active, who is capable of being active and who wants to be as active as possible.  But I am actually coming to that place, because when I miss either class I feel sluggish and depressed.  I can’t believe that I actually even wrote the previous sentence.  It is just so not me.  Except, it is me, it is a new me, because I can change and become a better person.  I am able to have a running race with my children without feeling like I am going to pass out.

But I am still not losing weight

I need to choose a plan to stick to but I can’t decide which one is one that I think I can stick to.  I know what I want to do, but I don’t know if it will work or not.  Plans I have considered:

Slimming World – This I have done on and off for about 16 years.  I really like it as a plan because it helps to give you healthy attitudes towards food and eating in general.  You don’t have to weigh and measure much and you don’t have to be hungry.  But there are meals that I know to be healthy which don’t work with Slimming World and I don’t want to give them up.  E.g. today I had as a late lunch/afternoon snack a wholemeal wrap filled with avocado and turkey slices.  The wrap and avocado would be syns on slimming world, (around 21) but the whole thing was probably about 500 calories, which is totally within what I could eat and lose weight if I were calorie counting.

Calorie Counting (MyFitnessPal) I did do the myfitnesspal app for a while and I liked the flexibility to eat whatever you liked so long as it was within my calories, but it is really hard to log every last thing you eat, and I found that I was constantly obsessing over everything I put in my mouth.  I don’t think I could keep it up long term.  It did teach me about portion sizes though, which on SW were completely out of control for me.

5:2, Cabbage Soup, I cannot go without proper food, it just goes against my nature, I’d be snappy and grumpy and it would be unfair to everyone around me.

I know what I want to do which is just eat healthily and cut out all the nosh.  Just eat real food and no chocolate, sweets, cakes, biscuits, ice cream.  I feel that if I would actually do this, and eat 3 proper meals a day, made from real food, with some kind of healthy snacks in between, also made from real foods, in sensible portions, then I would lose weight.  I guess it’s a kind of modified slimming world, and maybe I’m being unrealistic.  Perhaps to lose weight I need to do something more drastic.  Problem being that as my life is currently I don’t feel like I have the ability to really stick with a very restrictive strict plan.  But I do enjoy eating healthy filling food and if that were all I ate, then I reckon that it would work.  What’s that SW mantra “Everything in moderation with a wide variety”.

So this is where I am up to.  My weight is still not obviously going down, I don’t really know what I’m planning to do to lose it, but I haven’t given up.