Erev Shabbos (Friday)

Breakfast – porridge with almond milk

Lunch – chicken breast and boiled carrots

Snacks – prunes, cake mixture in small quantity
Shabbos : Friday  night supper

Very delicious white Challa, chicken soup with onion, carrot, chicken and dumplings, chocolate and prune cake.

Shabbos day (Saturday)

Breakfast and Shabbos party 

Grape juice, weetabix with almond milk, leftover rice crispies, popcorners, mini chocolates, 2 wafers, cake

Lunch – Challa, chicken, potato kugel, cholent, carrots, no dessert

Afternoon snacks – cake

Shalosh seudos – a Challa roll

Melava malka – two chicken legs, cake, sweetcorn

No excuses but owning up to what I ate.  M wanted me to make chocolate cake with sprinkles for Shabbos. She didn’t actually like the cake, it was a bit grown up for her.  I did not feel the same.

My methodology

I had a chat with a friend of mine today.

Those who know me in real life will quickly identify who this is, and I have asked her permission before writing about her.  She told me (if I understood her correctly) she thinks that I have it all wrong.  She thinks I should just be really strict for 6 weeks so that (in her words) I’ll lose big, e.g. 8lbs.  I told her that that just doesn’t work for me, I know I can’t live in such a restrictive way for so long. And it would be just a drop in the ocean of what I need to lose anyway.  She is very fortunate to be a healthy weight, and although she says thinks she is fat, she really has no idea what it is like to struggle with obesity.  I appreciate the well meaning support, but there are some situations where when someone says, “I know what you’re going through”, and they really and truly don’t.  Needing to lose 4lbs is not the same as needing to lose 90lbs, and the same methods do not really apply.
I think that if you  have only a small amount to lose (e.g. 7-20lbs) in total to a healthy weight, then a really focused short term effort is the way to go. You live a fairly restrictive and miserable couple of weeks or months, but then you can relax a bit but maintain your loss. But I have such a lot to lose, even if I did really focus for say 6 weeks, and lose maybe 7, maybe 10lbs in that time, I’d still have a really long way to go.  To maintain that level of focus for so long? 6 months to a year? I just know how much effort and planning goes into losing one measly pound, and life has a way of messing up my plans on a regular basis, that I just don’t think I can do it.  I’d love to say, right, from now until  2018, every meal is going to have at least half of it vegetables or fruit, no biscuits or cake, getting enough sleep, exercising at least every other day and actually do it. But it is just too hard.  I know I can’t do it.  

So I carry on my way, eating junk here and there but slowly slowly changing my lifestyle to be living a healthier life. Educating myself, reducing portion sizes, making food swaps (e.g. This week I removed the skin from the chicken before I cooked it, it is so gross raw), adding activity into my routine where it wasn’t before, celebrating the small victories, not beating myself up over my failures, and ultimately trying to recreate my relationship with food and exercise.  

I feel very defensive and down after this chat because I know that partly she is right, I do need to be stricter with myself.   This last fortnight, I’d had too many “unusual occasions” where I’ve indulged. Not binged. Not secretly hidden away with masses of food. But situations which a) encouraged me to have small amounts of unhealthy foods and b) prevented me from doing planned exercise.   This is progress. This is better than I have done in the past. These small progress steps are what I believe will ultimately get me to a healthy weight, a healthy size, and a healthy self image.  But I do need to buckle down a bit more, and I know that. However, I resent someone who doesn’t understand, telling me what to do.

Thank you for allowing me to vent.