I’ve tried to get back into blogging and have twice started writing posts. See below:


I’m fed up of being overweight, of wearing the same size clothes for years, of saying I’m going to lose the weight and then not.

I’m also fed up of trying and trying and trying and then having one thing after another which sabotages my attempts at having a weight loss plan to follow. Of having repeated disruptions to my living quarters, my “routine”, of children being ill, of husband being ill, of me being ill, school holidays, religious holidays, birthdays, disturbed nights sleep, dealing with the SEN (Special Needs) stuff, bereavements, births. There is just always one things after another.

I do not want to be this size. I do not want to be unfit and overweight. But it just seems impossible to actually do it. Every and any weight loss requires time and effort. Preparing food in advance, doing the shopping, cooking, chopping. Exercise needs the activation energy, then the time to do the exercise (either with children in tow or having them looked after), then time to have a shower and change afterwards.

I don’t know which plan to try and follow, I don’t know how to fit exercise into my life with a newborn. I know that supplementing my meals with copious biscuits and cakes will not help. I also know that I’m tired and

*I hear the baby, I will return to this*

*24 hours later*

I was thinking, it is about time. About having the time to plan and implement. And while I’m spending SO much money in our house, which we didn’t think we had to spend but then somehow we’ve found it if only I could just spend a ton of money and be thin. Except I can spend some…”

And then I must have got interrupted and didn’t manage to get back to it.

And then on 2/7/18

“14st 7lbs 😦 goal to get below 14st by the summer holidays in 3 weeks. Is this achievable? Yes if I try. No if I don’t. So depressing that I’ve gained so much weight. I feel so so fat and enormous and out of control with my food. And life in general.

1am – Turkey slices, orange squash”

Now the summer holidays are upon us again. I haven’t lost that weight. We still aren’t back in our house but it is looking possible that the week after next is a possibility. There’s still a lot to do before we can get in, there’s still various different workmen to juggle, while also looking after Y (9 week old baby boy) , H (boy, 5 years old on Wednesday, oh yes, need to do something about that), M (8 year old girl) and R (11 year old boy with some special needs). R finished primary school forever last Friday. We were battling for provision right up until the last minute but he finished on a high. H&M finish for the summer on Wednesday.

I keep thinking back to the juggling analogy. About how we are all juggling so many balls and that some are rubber and some are glass. The rubber ones you can drop and nothing much will happen, but the glass ones you can’t drop without serious consequences.

What do you do when you have dropped all the rubber ones and you are only left with glass? And you still feel like there are too many? Well, you start dropping glass ones too.

Perhaps hand over some glass balls to another juggler? Problem is that some you can only do yourself, and also, everyone I know is already in that situation themselves.

I’m not claiming to be in this place myself but I suppose the real answer is that I have to try and trust in Hashem more and realise that actually I don’t have to juggle everything myself. He can help. And He is the Ultimate Juggler.

Also, maybe I need to realise that even if it looks like a glass ball has dropped, that that also is what had to happen because there’s only so much one person can do.

Unfortunately I feel like my healthy eating and exercise has been dropped and I’m really struggling to get back into it. Life is just so non stop that I feel like I don’t get much chance to think and prep. Sleep deprivation doesn’t help either.

I need to daven. It’s the only thing that can help. And the only thing I really have time for anyway.